Today I went Christmas shopping for my dad. He gave me a list of names, some cash and told me to buy something nice. After wondering around figuring out what to buy for people I don’t know that well and finding all the wrapping paper and such I would need to wrap them with I went back to his house. I put up his Christmas tree while he sat in the recliner and talked about what I had picked out for people, past Christmases and his dog. By the time I sat down this afternoon I was pretty well beat. It was nice though. I enjoyed talking with my daddy while I put up his tree. He is like a little kid when it comes to Christmas, he gets so excited and there is a little twinkle in his eye. Days like to today keep me form taking my Daddy for granted. I’m so fortunate that he is here and healthy enough to be at home.

During the buzz of the day I received news that one of my friends lost their son in a car wreak today. He was only 15. It’s so sad. My heart goes out to their family.

So far it’s been an okay weekend even though Donny had to stay in Nashville. I miss him but I know this is how things are and have to be for a while so I am keeping a stiff upper lip, as it were.

You know the other day I was out shopping and saw a lot of the teachers I had in grade school. Seeing them sparked a lot of memories. It’s funny what you remember about people. Little things that are said in passing or funny little happenings that really had no substance yet that’s what you remember about people.

Oh well, hope everyone is well!

Much Love.

So I have survived one major holiday and Black Friday, and I can honestly say I am no worse the ware. Thanksgiving went as smoothly, as any event where families gather together in one place for the first time in who knows when, can go. My turkey was juicy, my dressing was moist, and my pie crusts didn’t burn. So I really can’t complain.

My mom came in for the weekend following the giving of the thanks, and we commenced in the yearly tradition of shopping “till we drop”, for gifts that may or may not be returned by the poor souls who they are meant for, and who won’t remember next year that you bothered to risk your life at a sale for their sake in the first place. In case you hadn’t noticed-it’s one of those days…you have been warned.

SO, in other news…

I am at an impasse in my life I believe. I am content, yet I am restless. I am totally happy with my family, friends, marriage, job, school, and my life as a whole. Yet I am disgusted with myself. I have concluded that I am the source of my own malice. I am disgusted with the weight I have gained. I am disgusted with my neediness of others. . I am disgusted with my inability to bare children. I am disgusted with my lack of wheel power and self-control I believe that most this self loathing occurs because more often than not I worry about everyone and everything else rather than myself. I ignore my needs, problems and feelings in order to be a reliable source for everyone and everything else. I fill the void I feel within me with food, to comfort insecurities that I ignore or fail to realize. I know what I need to do, I know the steps to take to correct what is hindering my happiness, yet I cannot bring myself to do them. I feel like I struggle alone and that feeling disgusts me further. So what if I struggle alone, millions of people across the world struggle alone. Why do I believe myself so special that I should not have to struggle alone, that I should not have to fight my fights myself? It disgusts me that I am so selfish that I would stand idle rather then take action simply because I feel pity for myself that I must struggle by myself. I suppose I just need to suck it up, put my big girl panties on and stop being a cry ass! (lol)

All of this seems trivial I am sure. And in the large scheme of things it truly is. I suppose I just needed to vent my frustrations. Everyone has their own problems to deal with and mine are insignificant. There are people out of work, on the streets, and I have the gal to complain about my life. Go figure…

Much Love.

So I don't keep this journal up like I should, and I thought i would post a couple of my recent Myspace blogs just for kicks. Hope Everyone is Rocking Out!!!
Oh and Happy Thanksgiving!!!
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Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Lots of Stuff


So once again I find that it's been a long while since I wrote and updated everyone about what's going on with me. So if you really care, keep reading…


Life in general has been pretty mundane. I have a pretty normal schedule and do not vary from it often. Though I have had a couple of exciting events the last couple of weeks:

First of all, I received my CDA (Child Development Associate) in the mail this week. It's the credential that I went to school for in fall of '07 and spring of '08. It was so wonderful to open that envelope and pull out that little piece of paper with that goal foil seal on it. I felt like I had accomplished something.


A couple of weeks ago I went and stayed a few days with my mom. I had a really great time! We went to some antique malls and made apple jelly out of apples from her apple trees. It was just so good to spend that kind of time with my mom. Me and her have not always seen eye to eye, it was just good to spend time with her. I felt like a little kid again, helping mom in the kitchen, even though it was more like her helping me since she can't get around like she use to.


A few days after visiting my mom I went to Nashville to see Donny. That's where he is working now and he had to work through the weekend. Since he couldn't come home to me I went to him. It was a great time!! We went shopping at the Opry Mills Mall, and I got to pet sting rays. It rocked!!! (God, I am such a child! lol)

We got Dina on Halloween this year, so we got to take her Trick-or-Treating. It was a blast! We went with Amanda and Hayston, and the kids had a really good time.


The last few days have been filled with work, homework, and being a good friend.

I am very tired, both physically and emotionally, yet my mind races with thought. I have been blessed with a fairly wonderful life. I have a wonderful loving husband, a beautiful step-daughter who loves me, a pretty stable and supportive family, a good self-fulfilling job, the opportunity to go back to school, and pretty well anything I need/want materially speaking. Yet I feel restless, and unresolved. And this makes me feel selfish for not being satisfied with what I have. It leads me to believe that one can never truly be satisfied; even when they acquire everything they think they need to be happy. I wish I could just be still, just be calm and collected. I know that one thing that has me restless is the issue of my weight. I have gain all the weight back that I lost for my wedding. I have come to the point now that I am physically miserable. I have do take measures to lose it again, but the thoughts of dieting send a degree of malice though my being that is torturous. But I have to do it, and it will be a struggle, one that I am doomed to relive over and over for the rest of my life.


In life you are dealt a hand and you have to play it. Such is true for a friend of mine. My problems and insecurities seem so insignificant to what they are dealing with. My love, support, friendship is all I have to offer them and I hope it is enough.


I'm sorry for the rant, thanks for reading, and as always…Much Love!!!

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Sunday, November 09, 2008

Lonely and Slightly Depressed


So it's Sunday and instead of it being the end of an exciting love filled weekend, I am sitting here alone waiting for something to occur that might lift my sprits. Donny had to work through the weekend in Nashville this weekend; I haven't seen him since last Sunday afternoon and won't be seeing him until Wednesday at the earliest. I miss him so much I feel like I'm going to die. Though I know I won't, I usually don't really miss him when he is just gone for four days. Well I mean I miss him but know its not going to be long until I see him and it don't bother me. It hit me Friday night, when I was sitting here at the PC doing my homework, that he should he here. I felt as though there was a void, and it was hard to think. That feeling has grown as the weekend has progressed. I had training Saturday or I would have just packed up and went down there to see him. I have come to love him so fiercely that being away from him is torturous at times. I suppose that is to be expected though; it's the price everyone pays when they place their hearts on the line. But I know that it won't be this way forever. Lay-off will be coming soon and he'll be home for a long period, and we'll be praying for him to go back to work cause we'll be broke…lol. It's just hard right now. And it's hard when I have a bad day, or I feel bad, not to have him there to comfort me. To tell me it's alright and call me his beauty queen. LOL…as he often does. I'm so lucky to have someone like him for a husband, for all our little differences or disagreements, for all the things we just don't see the same way, its all worth it to love and be loved in such a way.

Well that's it.

Much Love!

So I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth in case anyone was wondering.

Things have just been really nuts this summer. Everything that could happen pretty much has and it seems like the last two months have just been a blur. So if you are intrested keep reading, and I will attempt to catch you up.

In mid-June my Daddy had to have AAA surgery. (abdominal aortic aneurysm) He had an Aneurysm in the artery that runs between the kidneys. He spent a week in UK Hospital. And I pretty well stayed right with him the entire time. When he came home it took him a little while to get back on his feet, but he is doing well now.
About the time my Daddy got well, my Father-in-law had a stroke, two weeks later my Mom had to have surgery on her foot again and is once more unable to walk normally.
Its just been a trying time with all the illnesses and work.
I am now working two Day care jobs...which I enjoy, its just odd in a way, I have never worked two jobs before and went to school. (Which will be the case when classes start in a couple of weeks) I have never really been as driven in my life as I am now...if only I could have gotten my act together like this three years ago!!
As of late I have been trying to enjoy what is left of the summer. We've been going Black Berry picking and I have been making jams and canning berries so that I can have black berry dumplings at Thanks giving and Christmas. I love going out in the mountians and picking black berries...its funny, I use to really hate haking and being in the out doors, but I rather enjoy it these days. The heat don't seem to bother me as much as it use to and my endurance to walking/standing/being active is alot higher than it use to be. I think it is partly due to that fact that I do work a rather vigerous job, I am always on the run to the store either for myself or my dad, not to meantion keeping things in order at his house, and keeping his doctor appointmest on track and taking him to them.
In other news I will be attending the state Infant/Toddler Comference in Lexington on the 11th. It is a three day comference and should prove to be very informative and exciting. The Harlan/Bell Early Childhood Council is sending me, so I don't have to pay for anything and i will be staying at the Hyatt Regency that is attached to Rupp Arena. I am very excited!
Today I went and pick up my new glasses at the eye doctors. I finally got my eyes check and what do ya know...I have to wear glasses all the time now. I am not really excited about this, but I do like accually being able to see! Dina had to get glasses as well. It was a good Mommy, Daughter thing though, getting our eye exams together.
I've been on yet another diet...and so far ao good. I have lost 17 pounds in the last three weeks. I don't really have a loss goal, I just wanted to lose some weight so I would feel better. So whatever I lose, I lose. I don't really think Donny likes it when I diet...lol...it cuts back on our diner dates alot, but he is very supportive of my decisions and has even been eating subway with me...lol! Sometimes I wonder how in the world I ended up with someone I have so much in common with. I mean don't get me wrong we have our disagreements, but somehow we are always able to work them out and in the end we are alright. Ok well I've went and gotten all mushy...lol...surprise, surprise!!
I hope all of you are well! Much Love!

You ever have one of those days where you look around at all you've got and find it hard to be thankful? One of those days where no matter how you try all you can think of is what your life is lacking? I'm having one of those days...in a twenty-four hour sense. It started last night and has carried over. I just try so hard in my life to be a dependable friend, a trustworthy sister, a good daughter, a loving wife, and a wonderful step-mother and somehow I always feel as though I have fallen short somehow. It's days like this that I don't feel I have accomplished anything in my life other than failed attempts, I know I'm just in a slump and tomorrow more than likely I will feel better, I just wanted to vent a bit I suppose.

I hope everyone is doing well. Much Love!